Holidays are tough…tough for me, tough for you, tough for anyone and everyone. They are exponentially tougher if you’ve suffered a traumatic event during the year and yet here you are, supposed to spewing red and green and glittery cards to your friends and family. Spoiler alert: I didn’t send you a card.
I bought them, I bought stamps…I had them opened and ready for my cliché little “Merry Christmas, Love Sandy, and Jon” but those words never got added to the cards and the cards never got put into envelopes and the envelopes never got stamped and they never made it to the mailbox….so you won’t be getting a Christmas card from me. And my feelings about that in particular? I don’t really have the energy to worry about your version of this.
I sound so selfish, I scold myself for not putting in the effort to send cards to my loved ones…so is it okay that I didn’t send them out? The short answer is a resounding YES!! It’s perfectly fine! My friends and family will still love me and if they don’t…if they want to talk about me and how rude it was of me to not send a card, I’ll probably just ignore that and move right along.
Holidays, Christmas specifically, used to be my favorite holiday…I couldn’t wait to find the perfect gift, or what I thought was the perfect gift, for the person I’m either buying for or exchanging with…so much joy and fun shopping. But this year….and last year…I just couldn’t…I didn’t decorate, I didn’t get all excited at shopping for someone, I used Amazon and absentmindedly searched for gifts that they put on their list…no effort really…and instead of boxing and wrapping like I normally would, I put them in a bag and shoved the sparkly, glittery tissue paper so I didn’t have to put that much effort in.
Losing babies ruined this holiday for me…this Christmas, my baby girl should’ve been turning 2 five days after we celebrated Christmas with her. There is no joy this year and I have some doubts about next year.
I decided that what I have the energy and desire to do around this time of year, is just exactly what I should be doing, and anyone not okay with that can trade places with me for a while just to see the dreary, dark, hurtful heart that sits in the center of my chest.
You have to be able to care for yourself and sometimes that simply saying NO to the responsibility that you feel to making others happy, to decorating and hosting parties, and the simple act of smiling…I don’t even have to do that if I don’t want to…and neither do you! If you don’t feel it, don’t worry about it. Fake it till you feel it is not a command, it’s an option. It works for some but not all the time. If I could’ve done that, I’m sure I would have but I couldn’t and I didn’t.
I want you to know that feelings are there for a reason, they tell you when you need something. Sometimes you are sad and that means you need to be alone, sometimes you are sad and that means you need to vent and cry to your best friend, and sometimes that sadness means you need to get blackout drunk and regret the night before. No one can tell you what’s going to help you. Sometimes it’s trial and error. I don’t necessarily suggest that last one because I’ve done that and I don’t like the aftermath.
Find something that helps you cope, hopefully, something that’s healthier than getting drunk but sometimes you just need SOMETHING that will get you to the next day.